“Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.” – Frank Zappa
It’s Thursday morning and the pitter patter of little feet echo down the hallway in my apartment. My ears perk up as the sound draws closer, and soon I see my smiling 4-year-old son racing towards me.
“Mama! Mama! Guess what!?” He questions loudly, panting to catch his breath.
“What?!” I ask curiously.
“Today is THURSDAY! Tomorrow is FRIDAY! Then you know what comes next??” Like a child opening the first gift of Christmas, his eyes glimmer with hope and excitement.
“Then it’s Saturday — the weekend!” I announce.
“YES MAMA! YES! And then you get to spend the WHOLE weekend with me!” Two dimples appear on his cheeks and his face beams with approval.
My heart sinks. My eyes water. My mind races:
Why don’t I have more time to spend with him?
Why do I have to spend the bulk of my life, and waking hours, from Monday to Friday away from him?
Can’t I do better?
Can’t I be more available?
My 4-year-old son shouldn’t be counting down the days until the weekend — it’s not fair to him.
I need to be more. I need to do more. I’m not doing enough.
For the next several minutes, I sit in disappointment berating myself for not being enough and not accomplishing enough.
I leave for work in a haze, and spend the rest of the day over-thinking and feeling guilty. That night I was on the verge of a breakdown, and desperately needed a release. I called one of my girlfriends and started venting to her:
“Mel, I feel so bad. Elijah’s waiting for the weekend so he can finally have time with me. Why is it like this? I should have set us up better.” I said in a self-pity wallowing sort of way.
“Tash. STOP. You’re doing enough. Relax. Think about all of the mothers out there that aren’t able to provide their children with all of the things you’re able to do for Elijah. You are doing A LOT. Give yourself some credit!” She replied impatiently.
For a minute I sat stunned — I didn’t know how or what to reply. She seemed annoyed by my rant, and quick to shut it down. I thought as my friend she’d be more supportive, more willing to hear me out. I even imagined her nodding her head silently in agreement, validating my every word.
And then it hit me — the undeniable ah-ha! moment. She was right. I AM doing enough. I AM doing a lot. And she’s a damn good friend — one who didn’t allow me to wallow in self-pity and complain about my life. Instead, she shook me out of my self-induced prison and promptly woke me up!
I thought again about our conversation, and realized it’s been a long time since I’ve given myself credit for the things I’ve been doing and creating. Instead, my focus has been on lack, and the idea of lack is contradictory to everything I believe in and promote.
And I think a lot of us do this. We Mona Lisa our lives and look for microscopic imperfections, when what we really should be doing is standing back and admiring the masterpiece we’re continuously creating.
Because we’re all creators. And, we’re all always creating.
Will there be bumps? Hell YES.
Will there be imperfections? You bet.
Will there be challenges? Absolutely!
But, beyond all of the messiness that comes with creation, there will ALWAYS be a masterpiece. One that is so big and so grand we can hardly grasp its entirety – and that masterpiece? It’s our life. It’s our path. It’s our purpose.
And, it’s something we have to stop sometimes and appreciate, like the blooming flowers of a new season because it’s spectacular.
It’s time to give yourself some credit — you’re not a worm in science class waiting to be dissected, you’re a human being creating a life. Bravo to you!
About Antasha Durbin: Antasha is a spiritual writer, life-long student of the universe, and psychic tarot card reader. Her website, cajspirituality.com, is dedicated to casualizing the spiritual experience and making it attainable for anyone, anywhere, anytime. Follow her for free, easy-to-digest and highly actionable advice on spirituality, mindfulness and empowered living.